I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
