i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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