Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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