I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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