We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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