And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
