Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
