Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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