Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
