If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
