I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
