Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
