my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
