dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
