So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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