Cold hands, warm shart.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
