You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
