please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
