I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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