It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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