I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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