She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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