but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
