dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
