Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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