It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
