Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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