Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
