so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
