I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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