On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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