i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
