...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
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