those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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