You're my little dorito
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
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