Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I didn't notice because vodka
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
