so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
