My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
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