last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
