Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
