dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
