I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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