Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
