I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Is it because I queefed?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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