well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
