i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
cat food counts as protein by the way
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
