There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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