he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
