Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
