Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
