She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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