I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
