I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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