i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
