There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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