quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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