i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
