3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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