Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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