Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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