You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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